Alex's story

I became a recipient of donor sperm in 2021. It took months to filter the vast majority of donors. I went through various strange/pushy/overtly sexual men who for various reasons weren’t a good match for myself. At times with specific people I felt uncomfortable or unsafe. That feeling is what I used to gauge whether they’re a good fit. I wanted someone I felt safe and comfortable with. Someone that didn’t push my boundaries, respected my ‘no’ and was doing this for genuine and pure reasons.

I eventually found my donor on a group on Facebook. Unlike most donors he wasn’t randomly messaging every girl possible. We eventually met up after lots of talking and questions back and forth and I felt comfortable with him. That’s what made this decision to go ahead with donations possible. I then tracked ovulation and had donations atleast once a month for the last 7/8 months. I haven’t yet conceived but it shouldn’t be long before I do if all goes to plan.

The reason i didn’t go through the nhs or private clinic is because I don’t have a supportive GP and I don’t have the funds to pay thousands a try. I felt like this was my only option as a queer female that’s wanting to solo parent. If there was an ethical way around this that was accessible freely to queer/gay individuals I absolutely would’ve gone down that route. But currently the nhs don’t have the funds to support anyone if their only infertility issue is their sexuality.

The donor community can be incredible. The women that it has worked for are very supportive and caring of those wanting to follow suit. But it can also be toxic and at times dangerous. There are specific ‘known’ donors that are known to abuse, manipulate, construed information that puts the recipient at risk. Ironically these individuals are usually the group admins on Facebook. There are reference groups so that you have the option of ‘vetting’ the donor by asking other recipients what their experiences of them are. The most at risk of these specific individuals are young/new recipients that are desperate to start straight away. Or don’t know the types of questions you need to be asking a potential donor. Most recently a story was shared on the group from a young woman that caught HIV from donor sperm. Turns out he was aware he was HIV+.